July 09, 2003 - 10:50 a.m.
I�m not feeling too hot today. It seems that my intestinal tract has decided to malfunction. I won�t go into any details, but I feel like crap. The only things I�ve been able to consume are Saltines and Powerade.
This reminds me�
Ever had anyone challenge you to eat 10 Saltines in 60 seconds? One night at a bar, two friends made a bet on this issue. Brooks brought up the challenge, and Weston accepted. Weston was not one to walk into a bet blindly, so first thing the next morning, without even changing out of the clothes he slept in, he went to Stater Brothers, our local grocery store. He came back with a morning paper and a really big box of Saltines. There were many stray folks from the night before draped over various pieces of furniture, so we had many witnesses to his attempts.
The first attempt was to time the consumption of 5 crackers, one at a time. This can start out fast, but one�s spit is absorbed into the white flour paste, and soon one�s mouth is bone-dry. Precious time is wasted in collecting enough spit to attempt the next cracker. This one-by-one method took Weston more than 60 seconds for just 5 crackers.
The next method was for Weston to shove 5 crackers in his mouth at once and attempt to chew. He actually managed to get the first five down in about 30 seconds. When he went for the second five, though, they took twice as long to eat. Problem again: lack of spit.
By this point there were cracker crumbs all over the place, and the 10 or so people there are all munching on crackers. It sounded like we have an infestation of mice in our living room.
He realized that he needed to cheat a little to come even close to the 60 second mark by secreting some sort of lubricating agent in his cheek to make that second 5 go down smoother. First attempt was a pat of butter. It melted away before it could be called into use. Second was a hunk of Crisco with similar problems. It was determined that the lubricating agent could not be one that would melt at mouth temperatures.
So that led to the use of Astroglide.
Yes, sexual lubricant. My crazy friend squirted a dollop in the side of his mouth before attempting 10 saltine crackers in 60 seconds. He was awfully close to the time limit.
Unfortunately, all his preparations were for naught. He foolishly failed to consider that Brooks, the guy that initially offered the bet, was one of the observers in our living room that morning. Suddenly, the possibility that Brooks might have to shell out $100 was much greater. As Brooks was one of those notoriously broke art grad students, he certainly didn't have $100. The bet was called off for lack of funds, but it certainly provided an entertaining Saturday morning chez Compound.
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