2003-03-26 - 3:26 p.m.
Last night, I wrote in this journal as I intended to when I started it, a thorough discussion of one thing that I�ve always meant to write about. I have since put together a list of topics to cover. It�s hidden in my private folder as to not give anything away to the masses that stop by my little diary. Ur, perhaps that�s an exaggeration. There�s only the occasional lost soul that takes a brief look then disappears again. Although it would be nice to be adored by the DiaryLand community, anonymity is much more my style. I didn�t start this diary for others to read it anyway. Enough blabbering about why it�s okay that no one pays attention to me.
I thought today I�d write about what I have wanted to do with my life and how it has evolved. I wish I could remember every step along the way, but I believe I recall the highlights.
It�s a question that adults start asking children at a ridiculously young age. �What do you want to be when you grow up?� Many 6-year-old boys want to be firemen. This I recall. I don�t remember what the expected answer is for 6-year-old girls. Nurse? Teacher? Probably something like that, along gender stereotypes. Truthfully, I don�t remember what I wanted to be at 6. I do remember what I wanted to be at 7, though. I had started taking ballet lessons, and I was pretty good compared to the other 7-year-old girls. I actually retained the fantasy of being a professional ballerina for about 5 years. Then I started taking auditions for summer ballet programs, and I realized I didn�t have the body type to be successful in ballet. Although I was technically proficient, I didn�t look the part.
Fortunately, by that point, I had moved on to the cello. I was quite the superstar on the cello in middle school. I was the first person in history to jump from Beginning Orchestra to Intermediate Orchestra in mid-year with no prior cello instruction. I won an exemplary award at the solo and ensemble competition in 6th grade. I kept winning awards throughout middle school and was often the section leader. Then I hit high school and realized, yet again, that I didn�t quite have what I needed to compete with others. So I dropped the idea of being a professional cellist.
In 7th grade and 9th grade, I had great success with my science projects, going all the way to the Texas State Science Fair in Austin with my 9th grade project. This spurred on the biochemist concept for a while. My step-grandfather was an accomplished biochemist and a member of the National Academy of Sciences. I only vaguely considered this until I realized that I didn�t have the temperament for a scientific career.
Somewhere around this time I read a book called Dead Men Do Tell Tales by William R. Maples. This started a secondary scientific interest in forensic anthropology. It was short-lived after I realized that a) I have shaky hands and b) I can�t view dead bodies without getting queasy.
I went to a summer program at Duke University, the TIP program, and became interested in International Relations. My stepmother is a French teacher, so in high school I was well on my way to a working knowledge of French. I was fascinated by other cultures. By the time I made it to college, this had usurped any thoughts of biochemistry, especially because I ended up at a small liberal arts school whose chem classes were innundated with Pre Meds.
I stayed with IR on and off throughout my years at college. For one semester I majored in Linguistics. I took a semester off and worked in Northern California's wine industry with intentions of transferring to UC Davis for viticulture and oenology. I came back to school and realized I hated IR so much that I couldn't finish it. I dropped out of college with about a semester and a half to go.
I did nothing worthwhile for about a year after that point. Somewhere in there I had my library realization as detailed earlier in this journal, and that's the one I'm sticking to for a while.
The question becomes, have I really grown up yet? Is it okay that I'm almost 25 and I still have several years of education before I truly start my career, while in the meantime I'm doing a stupid job for an idiot lawyer? Have I just wasted years of my life doing nothing?
To answer all three, probably. As long as I don't stagnate here, so far from my goal, I can't beat myself up too much.
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