June 03, 2003 - 10:02 p.m.
I feel like shit right now.
Let me set the stage.
I'm PMSing pretty virulently at the moment, and my emotions are teetering right on the edge of an abyss.
It's a rainy night in Savannah, and the book group cancelled the first meeting, perhaps for all summer.
Inga went to play bingo with a friend from work.
So I'm disappointed about the book group, and I really don't have any interest in playing bingo. It was supposed to be a good night, Inga doing something she enjoyed and me doing something I enjoyed. Then my thing gets cancelled. I thought about hanging around the house and watching TV, but that seemed depressing. When PMSing, depressing isn't a good idea for me. So I decide to go to a kid's movie.
This is something I've done whenever I don't feel all that happy. Kids movies always cheer me up because they always have a happy ending. And they're funny. The only kids movie playing right now is Finding Nemo. I had wanted to see this, so I went by myself this evening to see it.
Granted, I didn't give any thought to Inga. She had something to do tonight, and I wanted to do something tonight. She invited me to bingo, but as mentioned above, I don't really like bingo.
I saw the movie. It was great. It cheered me up just as I expected it to.
After the movie, about a minute after I had turned my cell phone back on, Inga calls to see if I wanted to meet them for a drink. I said no, she asked what I did, and I told her. And she said "I would NEVER have seen that without you." She seemed genuinely mad at me.
Here's where reality and the inner workings of my head part ways.
I started fretting about this on the way home. I fretted so much that I started crying. Here's what made me fret:
1. I don't want her to be mad at me.
2. I'm angry that she's mad at me because I have the right to do things by myself.
3. I hate confrontation, so the only way she will ever hear about this is if she reads this diary.
Item #2 of the above list leads to an issue that has been brewing in me for a while. We don't have to do everything together, and that's what was going to be nice about the book group. I don't have any interest in pursing anyone to date, so that outlet isn't open to me as it is to her. Books are my passion, and a couple of times a month, I was going to get together with some of our new friends and discuss them. But because of summer schedules, that probably won't happen after all. So that leaves me back at square one. Especially when I'm askew emotionally, I don't want to worry about if exerting some independence will upset her.
So there you have it. I'm not crying at the moment (but poke me with a feather, and I'll probably start again). I will read this in the morning and be ashamed, I'm sure. But this evening, this episode seems like the worst thing that's happened with our friendship yet, and that makes me scared. I can't address these things with her directly because I don't feel like I'm thinking clearly. Everything makes me edgy. I should go hide in my room as to not provoke anything else.
PMS sucks.
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