May 15, 2003 - 11:23 p.m.
I don't know what's wrong with me these days. It's been about a week and I just haven't been myself. I can think of several reasons for this.
1. It's graduation time back in California, and although I claim I don't want to be there for the festivities, I think I actually do. I most definitely have mixed feelings about graduation, and California in general. I don't miss it that much, but it was a place that I was a part of for 6 years. I have yet to fully feel a part of Savannah, but I definitely don't feel like a part of California anymore. It's social limbo, and it's depressing.
2. I always get depressed in the spring. I'm one of those weird seasonal depressives whose brain chooses springtime to go through depression rather than cold, unpleasant winter. This pattern has gone for as long as I've kept a journal, about 7 years. This is the latest in the year I've dealt with it, and it seems to be shaping up to be the most mild case in recent history. I probably shouldn't speak too soon.
3. I have a burgeoning crush on someone who's far away and has no romantic interest in me. I'm good at picking people who are totally unattainable, thereby limiting the amount I have to risk emotionally. It sucks. I'll just leave it at that.
4. I'm feeling guilty for not staying in touch with several friends from California who turned into bad friends who never contact me. I knew this would happen. I finally stop trying to contact them because it's turned into one-sided relationships, and now I feel guilty for not calling. Can I please borrow someone's backbone? When I was feeling taken advantage of, it certainly wasn't a fun friendship. Now that I've stepped back, I don't feel taken advantage of, but I feel like a bad friend. There is no solution to this one except for me to write these people off. They won't change, so I just need to get rid of my guilt somehow. Aargh.
So potential solutions to these problems? I think I just need to run away for an evening. I used to do this on a regular basis, but I haven't done it in months. I think for one of the nights this weekend, I'm going to get a motel room out at Tybee and just go hang out by myself at the beach for a while. Perhaps it will clear my head. I don't know what Inga will do, but she'll manage without me for a night, I'm sure.
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