May 11, 2003 - 6:06 p.m.
Today has been a rough day in some respects. I keep getting teary-eyed at random moments. Reason? It's Mother's Day. Why would this make me cry? It's been 15 years since I celebrated Mother's Day with my mother. She died on December 7, 1988, when I was only 10. I don't even remember what we did on that last Mother's Day together. I remember so little.
I remember how I hated the sound of an emory board when my mother would file her nails. I remember the time that she put oven cleaner in the oven, and I decided to heat up a rice cake without getting parental supervision. One bite of that rice cake, and I had to 'fess up and find out why it tasted so nasty. I thought she was going to lose it with fear that I had been poisoned. I remember how sick she was in the last few months, sitting up at night in our Eames chair in the living room with no lights, not awake and not asleep. I was afraid of her then. She was in so much pain that she seemed like a different person. I remember how the chemo made her sick, and how a car ride between my best friend's house and ours would be interrupted by a quick stop for her to vomit. I remember how guilty I felt for staying home to watch TV the first night of her last trip to the hospital, the one night when she wasn't doped up on so many meds that she seemed like her old self, according to my father. I never got to see that again.
I wish I could remember more positive things, but the two years of cancer is most predominant. I do remember she and my father giving me my first bike on my 6th birthday. I remember "helping" her cook by sitting on the counter next to the mixer and watching the bread batter form. I remember us dressing up like witches together one Halloween. I remember playing gin rummy with her when Daddy was out of town. I remember when she confessed that one of her favorite sandwiches was cream cheese and green olives on white bread. I remember high tea at the Adolphus in celebration of her 40th birthday.
I wish I remembered more. I wish I had had more time.
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